100 Funny Jokes For Adults That Are Nothing But Hilarious

We have made a list of funny jokes that will make you laugh out loud, strictly for adults only. We have all kinds of dirty adult jokes and some can be really offensive, nevertheless, we have made a compilation of some dirty jokes full of humour to amuse your dirty mindset.

1. Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

2. Q: What do you call a ninety-year-old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

3. Q: What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common?
A: They both only change their pads after every third period!

4. Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather….kinky is using the whole chicken.

5. Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.

6. Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

7. Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
A: Boobies

8. Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

9. Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch.

10. Q: How do they say “fuck you” in Los Angeles?
A: Trust me.

11. Q: How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100?
A: Pull some strings.

12. Q: Why can’t Jesus eat M&M’s?
A: Because he has holes in his hands.

13. Q: What is a crack head’s favourite song?
A: I wanna rock!

14. Q: How do you get retards out of a tree?
A: Wave to them!

15. Q: What do you call a gangbanger behind bars?
A: Anything you want.

16. Q: How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

17. Q: How many Sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, One to screw it in, and one to take a picture.

18. Q: How do you kill a retard?
A: Give him a knife and say “Who’s special?”

19. Q: What do you get when you cross A-Rod with Chris Brown?
A: A cheater, cheater, woman beater.

20. Q: What is pink, goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet?
A: Bubble Gum.

21. Q: What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts that a 25-year-old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.

22. Q: What would happen if you cut off your left side?
A: You would be all right.

23. Q: What is Superman’s greatest weakness?
A: A bucking horse.

24. Q: Why did Hitler commit suicide?
A: He got the gas bill.

25. Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

26. Q: What is the difference between oooooh and aaaah?
A: About three inches.

27. Q: What’s worse than spiders on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.

28. Q: Name the five great kings that have brought happiness into peoples lives
A: Drinking, Licking. Sucking, fucking and wanking.

29. Q: What’s the difference between onions and prostitutes?
A: I cry when I cut up onions…

30. Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?
A: A trip without the kids!

31. Q: What’s the job application to Hooters?
A: They just give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out.

32. Q: Whats the hardest part of rollerblading?
A: Telling your parents that you are gay.

33. Q: What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
A: Does this taste funny to you?

34. Q: What do you call a retard in a tree with a briefcase?
A: Branch Manager.

35. Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A: At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face!

36. Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.

37. Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road?
A: Forget about it.

38. Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times?
A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

39. Q: After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”
A: She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

40. Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing?
A: He didn’t have any arms.

41. Q: What’s sicker than a pile of dead babies?
A: The one alive in the middle chewing its way out.

42. Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!

43. Q: Why do men like big tits and a tight ass?
A: Because they’ve got big mouths and little dicks.

44. Q: What’s long hard and full of seamen?
A: A submarine

45. Q: Whats long, hard and erects stuff?
A: A Crane!

46. Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.

47. Q: Whats the best thing about an 18-year-old girl in the shower?
A: Slick her hair back she looks 15.

48. Q: What’s strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
A: The back of my hand.

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49. Q: What do you call a bookworm who gets eaten by a cannibal?
A: “Reader’s Digest.”

50. Q: Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex?
A: Because they have cotton balls.

51. Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A: 45 lbs.

52. Q: Why was the African-American girl quiet during the movie?
A: She wasn’t.

53. Q: Why do they call it the wonder bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

54. Q: What’s sicker than having sex with a pregnant woman?
A: Having sex with a pregnant woman and getting a bj by the baby.

55. Q: What do you call a teenage girl who doesn’t masturbate?
A: A liar.

56. Q: What do you call a school bus full of white people?
A: Twinkie.

57. Q: What did one tampon say to the other?
A: Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.

58. Q: What do you get when you cross a potato and corn?
A: porn

59. Q: How do you eat a squirrel?
A: You spread its little legs.

60. Q: Ever had sex while camping?
A: It’s fucking intents.

61. Q: Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks?
A: You can drop them off anywhere.

62. Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
A: “I’ll see you next month.”

63. Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your hole weak.

64. Q: What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?
A: The PGA tour.

65. Q: What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine?
A: They both don’t work and always take your money.

66. Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a homeless guys funeral?
A: There are only two handles on a garbage can.

67. Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck?
A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them

68. Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you’re finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

69. Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

70. Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
A: Halfway

71. Q: What’s the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!

72. Q: What did the hard-boiled egg say to the boiling water?
A: I can’t get a hard-on because I was just laid.

73. Q: What is Moby Dick’s dad’s name?
A: Papa Boner

74. Q: Whats thirty feet long and smells like urine?
A: Line dancing at a nursing home.

75. Q: What is the square root of 69?
A: Ate something

76. Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

77. Q: Whats the best thing about Pocahontas in the shower?
A: Slick her hair back and she looks 15…

78. Q: What do a guy and a car have in common?
A: They both have the ability to misfire.

79. Q: What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A: If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts!

80. Q: What’s even better than winning the Special Olympics
A: Not being a retard.

Funny Knock Knock Jokes For Adults

81. Knock knock! Who’s there? Dwayne! Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub, I’m drowning.

82. Knock Knock Who’s there? Alex! Alex who? Alex the questions around here!

83. Knock Knock Who’s There? Justin.  Justin who? Your Justin time to wipe my @$$!

84. Knock Knock Who’s there! Ice cream! Ice cream who? Ice cream if you touch me again!

85. Knock Knock Who’s there? Doris! Doris who? Doris locked that’s why I am knocking!

86. Knock Knock Who’s there? Urine. Urine Who? URINE secure don’t know what for.

87. Knock Knock Who’s there! Waiter! Waiter who? Waiter if I get my hands on you!

88. Knock Knock Who’s there? Old lady Old lady who? Wow, I didn’t know you could model.

89. Knock, Knock! Who’s there? Dumbbell. Dumbbell who? Dumbbell doesn’t work so I had to knock!

90. Knock Knock Who’s there! Ice cream! Ice cream who? Ice cream if you don’t let me in!

Funny  Clean Jokes For Adults

91. Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?
A: Because it had a virus!

92. Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them

93. Q: How do you make an Octopus laugh?
A: With ten-tickles

94. Q: What did the femur say to the patella?
A: I kneed you.

95. Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.

96. Q: What do you call a three-footed aardvark?
A: a yardvark!

97. Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel.

98. Q: Why did the belt get arrested?
A: He held up a pair of pants.

99. Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A four chin teller.

100. Q: What do you call a computer that sings?
A: A Dell.


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