Here’s a collection of short and straightforward jokes that will make you laugh. What we have here have substantiated that jokes can be short and still be funny. However, these collection of jokes are not just funny but are the funniest set of jokes you can ever come across. The one-liner jokes will surely crack you up – you are bound to laugh as hard as you have never done before.
Funny One-Liner Jokes
1. As long as there are tests, there will be prayers in schools.
2. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
3. A day without sunshine is like, night.
4. Born free, taxed to death.
5. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
6. You cannot eat me unless you spread me – Butter
7. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
8. A day without smiling is a day wasted.
9. Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.
10. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
12. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
13. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
14. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.
15. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
16. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
17. You cannot taste me until you undress me. – Banana
18. You cannot eat me unless you lick me. – Ice-cream
19. You cannot play with me unless you blow me. – Balloon
20. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
21. What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
22. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
23. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
24. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
25. My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company.
26. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
27. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
28. I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
29. We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.
30. I can handle pain until it hurts.
31. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
32. What’s the difference between a paycheck and a pen*s? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
33. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
34. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
35. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
36. Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
37. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
38. If at first, you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
39. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
40. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
41. Maybe if we all emailed the constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it.
42. A gift card is a great way to say, “Go buy your own f*ckin’ present”.
43. I’m naming my TV remote Waldo for obvious reasons.
44. Isn’t it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected?
45. It’s so cold outside, I actually saw a gangster pull his pants up.
46. You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.
47. I have the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
48. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
49. Welcome to America – Where being obese is genetics but being gay is a choice.
50. My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy..so I got drunk.
51. Today; I saw a baby with a shirt that said, “I’m what happened in Vegas”
52. Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.
53. Dating a single mother is like continuing from somebody else’s saved game.
54. I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
55. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
56. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
57. Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.
58. What’s another word for “thesaurus”?
59. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
60. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
61. Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
62. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Clean One-Liner Jokes
63. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
64. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
65. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of “Smart”?
66. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
67. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
68. Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
69. I intend to live forever. So far so good.
70. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
71. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
72. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
73. Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
74. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! It happened.
75. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
76. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
77. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
78. I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.
79. I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
80. Don’t steal. The government hates competition.
81. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
82. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
83. Never answer an anonymous letter.
84. Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.
85. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
86. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
87. Life is too complicated in the morning.
88. We are all part of the ultimate statistic – ten out of ten dies.
89. Nobody’s perfect. I’m a nobody.
Best One-Liner Jokes
90. Ask me about my vow of silence.
91. Who is “General Failure” and why is he reading my hard disk?
92. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
93. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
94. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
95. I didn’t use to finish sentences, but now I…
96. I’ve had amnesia as long as I can remember.
97. My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
98. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
99. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
100. I’ve only been wrong once, and that’s when I thought I was wrong.
101. God made mankind. Sin made him evil.
112. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
113. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
114. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
115. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
116. If at first, you don’t succeed, don’t try skydiving.
117. It’s lonely at the top, but you do eat better.
118. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
119. I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
120. Always go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t go to yours.
121. Few women admit their age; few men act it.
122. If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
123. They told me I was gullible…and I believed them.
124. It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
125. According to my best recollection, I don’t remember.
126. The word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary.
127. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
128. Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
129. If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
130. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
One-Liner Dirty Jokes
131. Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter?
A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand
132. Q: Why does Dr Pepper come (cum) in a bottle?
A: Because his wife died!
133. Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
134. Q: What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
A: Your job still sucks!
135. Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A: Because they’re plugged into a genius!
136. Q: What do you call an artist with a brown finger?
137. Q: Did you guys hear about the cannibal that made a bunch of businessmen into Chili?
A: I guess he liked seasoned professionals.
138. Q: Whats long and hard and has cum in it?
A: a cucumber
139.Q: How do you kill a circus clown?
A: Go for the juggler!
140. Q: Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
A: They couldn’t close his casket.
141. Q: Why don’t orphans play baseball?
A: They don’t know where home is.
142. Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A: At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face!
143. Q: Why can’t Jesus play hockey?
A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards.
144. Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
145. Q: How does a woman scare a gynaecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
146. Q: What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A: A $100 bill!
147. Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A: A rip off Girl: “Hey, what’s up?” Boy: “If I tell you, will you sit on it?”
148. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.
149. Q: Why can’t you play Uno with a Mexican?
A: They steal all the green cards.
150. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Black Jokes-One Liners
151. How did the black girl know her mother was on the rag? Her brothers dick tasted funny.
152. How did they improve the transportation in Harlem? Moved the trees closer together.
153. How did they invent break dancing? Trying to steal the hubcaps off a moving car.
154. What do you call a black guys condom? A duffel bag.
155. What do you call a black man in a tree? A branch manager.
156. What do you call a black man in Thailand? A tycoon.
157. How can you tell when a black has been on your computer? It is not there.
158. Did you hear about the new black French restaurant? It’s called Chez What.
159. What did Lincoln say after his five-day drunk? I freed whom.
160. A black guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant. It’s called Nacho Mama.
161. Did you hear about Klu Klux Knievel? He tried to jump over 8 blacks with a steamroller.
162. Did you hear that the KKK bought the movie rights to Roots? They’re going to play it backwards so it has a happy ending.
163. Why are black people so tall? Because their knee grows.
164. Why did God invent golf? So white people could dress up like blacks.
165. Why do black people wear hats covering their face? So the birds don’t shit on their lips.
166. What do you call a barn full of blacks? Farm equipment.
167. What did the black girl say while having sex? Dad, get off me you’re crushing my ciggies.
168. What did the black women get for getting an abortion? Fat cash from crime stoppers.
169. What did the white redneck say to his wife when she told him their black neighbours were coming over for Christmas? So much for a white Christmas this year!
170. How many black people does it take to single a roof? Depends on how thin you slice um.
Blonde Jokes-One Liners
171. Q: Why are blonde jokes so stupid?
A: So brunettes can get them!
172. Q: What does a blonde say after she knocks over an antique vase that is priceless and it cracks on the ground?
A: “It’s Okay daddy, I’m alright”
173. Q: Why did the blonde snort Sweet-n-Low?
A: She thought it was Diet Coke.
174. Q: What does a blonde say after two more years of college?
A: Would you like fries with that?
175. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: I don’t know, and neither does she.
176. Q: Why can’t you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?
A: Because they go answer the door.
177. Q: Why is it a blonde cannot have more than a 10 minutes lunch break?
A: Because otherwise, you have to retrain her.
178. Q: What do you call a couple of blondes in the front seat of a car?
A: Air Bags.
179. Q: What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run, she’s got a grenade in her mouth!
180. Q: How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
A: There is white-out all over the monitor.
181. Q: Why shouldn’t Blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
182. Q: What’s a blonde and a postage stamp got in common?
A: Lick Em, Stick Em, Send Em
183. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been on the computer?
A: There is tipex on the screen.
184. Q: How can you tell if she has been on again?
A: She has left cheese for the mouse.
185. Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFO’s have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.
186. Q: What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
A: Oh look, Daddy…Doughnut seeds.
187. Q: How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde’s eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
188. Q: Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A: It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
189. Q: What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
A: They drowned in Spring Training.
190. Q: What is dumber than two brunettes that tried to build a house at the bottom of the ocean?
A: Two blondes that tried to burn it down!
191. Q: What’s blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette-blonde?
A: A blonde doing cartwheels.
192. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
193. Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that got stuck in a trap?
A: She chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
194. Q: Why did the blonde have square boobs?
A: She forgot to take the tissue out of the box.
195. Q: What’s an intelligent blonde?
A: A Golden Retreiver.
196. Q: How do blonde’s brain cells die?
197. Q: How do you make a one arm blonde fall out of a tree?
A: Wave to her!
198. Q: What do you call blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes!
199. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who died drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
200. Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A: They are both empty from the neck up!
201. Q: Why does a blonde keep a wire coat hanger in the back seat of her car?
A: In case she locks her keys in.
202. Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four-way stop.
203. Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
204. Q: Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate.
205. Q: Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.
206. Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: “Look! They spelt MACY’S wrong!”
207. Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her joke on Wednesday.
Poop Jokes-One Liners
208. Why did God make poo smelly? So deaf people could enjoy them too.
209. Did you hear that diarrhoea is hereditary? It runs in the genes.
210. Have you heard about that new movie Constipation? It hasn’t come out yet.
211. Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh.
212. Why does Tigger smell? You’d smell too if you played with Winnie the Pooh all day.
213. What did the maxi pad say to the fart? You are the wind beneath my wings.
214. What do you get when you cross a Bulldog and a Shih Tzu? Bullshit!
215. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
216. What did the tired bum hole say after a crap? I’m pooped out
Jewish Jokes-One Liners
217. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
218. My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
219. Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.” Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
220. A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”
221. I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
222. What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? “Honey, I’m home!”
223. She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
224. Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I AM 60!” Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”
225. A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.”
226. I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
227. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
228. A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”
229. Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
230. What do you call a Jewish knight? Sir Cumsiced.