230 Funniest One Liner Jokes

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A collection of short and straight forward jokes that will make you laugh. Jokes can be short and still be funny. These collection of jokes are not just funny but are the funniest set of jokes you can ever come across. Funniest one liner jokes that will crack you up, I bet you’ve  never laughed this hard before.

Funny One Liner Jokes

1. As long as there are tests, there will be prayers in schools.

2. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

3. A day without sunshine is like, night.

4. Born free, taxed to death.

5. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

6. You cannot eat me unless you spread me. -Butter

7. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

8. A day without smiling is a day wasted.

9. Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.

10. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!

12. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

13. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

14. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.

15. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

16. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

17. You cannot taste me, until you undress me. -Banana

18. You cannot eat me unless you lick me. -Ice-cream

19. You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon

20. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

21. What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.

22. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

23. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?  Because those men already have boyfriends.

24. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

25. My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…

26. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

27. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.

28. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

29. My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…

30. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

Funny one liner jokes

31. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.

32. I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.

33. We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.

34. I can handle pain until it hurts.

35. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

36. What’s the difference between a paycheck and a pen*s? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

37. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.

38. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

39. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

40. Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.

One Liner Jokes

41. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.

42. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

43. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

44. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

45. Maybe if we all emailed the constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it.

46. A gift card is a great way to say, “Go buy your own f*ckin’ present”.

47. I’m naming my TV remote Waldo for obvious reasons.

48. Isn’t it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.

49. It’s so cold outside, I actually saw a gangster pull his pants up.



50. You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.

51. I have the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

52. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

53. Welcome to America- Where being obese is genetics but being gay is a choice.

54. My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy..so I got drunk.

55. Today; I saw a baby with a shirt that said, “I’m what happened in Vegas”

56. Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.

57. Dating a single mother is like continuing from somebody else’s saved game.

58. I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

59. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.

60. I can handle pain until it hurts.

61. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

62. Borrow money from a pessimist — they don’t expect it back.

63. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

64. What’s another word for “thesaurus”?

65. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

66. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

67. Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

68. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

69. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Clean One Liner Jokes

70. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

71. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

72. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

73. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of “Smart”?

74. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

75. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

76. Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!

77. I intend to live forever. So far so good.

78. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

79. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

80. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

81. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

82. Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

83. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.

84. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

85. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

86. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

87. A day without sunshine is like, night.

88. I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.

89. I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.

90. Don’t steal. The government hates competition.

91. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.

92. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

93. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

94. Never answer an anonymous letter.

95. Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.

96. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

97. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

98. Life is too complicated in the morning.

99. We are all part of the ultimate statistic — ten out of ten die.

100. Nobody’s perfect. I’m a nobody.